A Case For Forgiving People, Even When They Don't Deserve It

I love a good grudge. Mess with me one time, and I will remember it forever. Is it my most redeeming quality? No. But is it a flex that I can recall the exact moment someone made me cry seven years ago? Yes. When it comes to the end of a relationship or a friend breakup, I've never been one to forgive. Once someone has treated me poorly, they're out of my life completely — no closure, no final conversation, no second chances. I'm just done. Sure, this may seem a little extreme, but it's my way of protecting my peace. Don't therapists and TikTok influencers preach boundaries and self-respect? Then, I met my fiancé, and I realized my inability to forgive might actually be a problem. With me, he leads with patience and kindness. When I leave the bathroom a mess, he doesn't make it a thing (even when it takes me an entire week to clean it up). When I forget to turn the lights off, he simply turns them off himself and moves on with his day. Meanwhile, I don't exactly offer him that same grace. Because when he forgets to ask for my extra sauce at a drive-thru, for example, it will completely ruin my mood for the rest of the day. How could I forgive someone for forgetting to pick up extra ranch? As much as I love holding a grudge, it might actually feel better not carrying the weight of one. According to a recent study conducted by NPJ Mental Health Research, people who forgive more frequently may actually be happier. "The general tendency to forgive others is linked to small but broad improvements in a person's overall well-being," the study stated. When I first read that, I thought it was honestly annoying. (Everyone knows holding a grudge builds character.) But the more I sat with it, the more I began to realize there's some merit to this whole forgiveness thing. Because if I'm being honest, my "no forgiveness" policy isn't working as well as I want it to. Yes, I cut people off. And yes, I move on. But I don't really let things go. And forgiveness isn't just about letting someone off the hook for their actions, it can be about letting yourself move on from their actions, too. I think that's where I've been getting forgiveness wrong: I've treated it like it's something you do for other people. But really, forgiving people is just as beneficial for your own conscience and sanity, too. It's a decision to not drag something out longer than it needs to be or to not assign deeper meaning to every little mistake. Sometimes a mistake is really just that: a mistake. So now, when my fiancé forgets the extra ranch, I move on and eat the (dry) chicken nuggets without making him feel bad for it. And instead of turning it into a big event that escalates to a fight or not talking all day, I accept the outcome that he simply forgot the ranch. A human mistake! But even on a larger scale, I've learned that forgiving the harder, bigger things is worth it, too. As someone who plays competitive beach volleyball, I've definitely held onto grudges against people who were extra chippy on the court or had poor sportsmanship. But recently, I decided to let those go — and I have even befriended a few of those same people. Before I was on my forgiveness journey, I'd continue to talk poorly about those players and let them live in my mind rent-free, often dreading the moments when I had to play against them again. But now, I've learned to forgive and let it go. No, I'm not necessarily going up to these people and telling them, "I forgive you!" because, for what it's worth, they may not even be sorry for their actions. But by telling myself that these people are just competitive and need an outlet for pent-up frustration, it's allowed me to look at them with more empathy than distaste. (See? Progress!) Now, to be clear, I don't think it's wrong to cut toxic people out of my life, especially for reasons like cheating, lying, or disrespecting. But maybe there's even a case for forgiving those people too — not because I want to excuse their behavior or make it seem like they didn't hurt me, but because the forgiveness at that point is as important for me as it is for them. As much as I love holding a grudge, it might actually feel better not carrying the weight of one. 49436843 Taylor Andrews is the senior balance editor at Popsugar, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With eight years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan.